"Here am I Lord, send me."
Today after nearly a year of tossing back and forth and mulling over the idea of maybe, possibly not becoming a teacher like I have always thought and sworn I would be, I stood up and took my second walk down the aisle of my church to commit my life to Christ again. Not to be baptized again but to live out my baptism in a different way than I ever thought I would. Today I walked down the aisle of my church and accepted my call to ministry.
This has been a long time coming from the days when I was young that I played dress up in my dads pulpit robes and wore his stoles like scarves, to losing my faith and finding it again, to realizing over this past year that being a teacher and being a preacher aren't mutually exclusive.
The feeling I have when I'm teaching Sunday school can't be put into words. My entire body lights up when I see the Tiny Humans and all the stress of school and life goes away. I've said it before but I hear the voice of God in their laughter. In the last year, I have learned more from the kids than I have in two years of college. I feel like I am truly doing what I was made for when I'm on the family mission trip or talking a middle schooler through their latest friend drama. I feel closest to my dad in those moments.
Over the last year, things have fallen into place in ways they just don't if God isn't involved. I tried to explain it away, but after a while, I just couldn't any more. Above all it's a feeling I have that I cannot put into words. The truth is I've known for a long time deep down that ministry is where my heart is, and what I'm being called to do, but I needed some time to freak out and pretend like I wasn't going to turn my whole world on it's head. But the honest truth is I'm not turning my world on its head, I'm turning it up right for the first time in a long time by accepting this call.
About 6 months ago, I started having a reoccurring dream that I and all of the people who are important in my life were in the chapel at SRBC, singing my favorite hymn. It took me a few times of having this dream to realize it was my ordination service. After I realized it, the dream got longer and involved my dad putting a stole around my shoulders with the handprints of the same Tiny Humans who have shown me how to love better and be better since last June. I cried the first morning I woke up having dreamed about my dad for the first time since he past away and once again I found myself on my knees praying "Here am I Lord, send me." I knew in that moment I couldn't fight what was so painfully obvious to everyone else in my life anymore, and not only that, but I didn't want to.
I have so much to learn about ministry and being the best pastor I can be from so many wonderful women in ministry who will walk before me and from so many kiddos who have and will bless my life along the way, but I am thrilled to be entering into a new chapter of my life that is purely beautiful chaos.